My big horrendous solipsistic problem with all this is the following: I was in Australia for four months and before coming back to NYC I decided that haha, I am an artist, and I don't want to work a shit 9 to 5 job anymore. So fine. While I was in Australia I started researching grants for art shit. A lot of these grants only really consider you if you're established, for which you need serious cash (among other things) so the whole process is kind of backwards, but yeah anyway I found this one that was perfect. They were willing (nay, they encouraged) young, unestablished artists, and this particular program was a sickeningly ideal match w/r/t a whole bunch of factors that I won't really get into here, because they don't matter anymore, because the grant was for the LMCC World Views program, which was to give its recipients space in the World Trade Center.

So there you have it. If you think that my talking about this shit while there are untold thousands dead and hundreds of firefighters working their extremeties to the bone trying to excavate the survivors, if you think my discussing the little burp of inconvenience this has caused me then you can just fucking kill me. Seriously you can. But that's one thing (of many you might want to know) that I can't stop thinking about, for whatever reason, since this insane shit started to go on, but there's no way I can really broach the subject of the ill-fated grant situation with anyone in person because they will punch me in the mouth, quite rightfully so, for being so damn solipsistic in the face of this utter disaster, but I have to tell someone and get it out of my head and this is my fucking diary so there you go, that's just how it is, I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry, but yeah.

Anyway. I also tried to give blood but because my particular bloodstream is full of shit antigens (AB-) no one wants any of it anyway so that didn't happen.

Blagh. I could write for hours about all of this shit but it would come out so problematically that I won't; I might just have to use a regular private paper journal on this one so yeah.

-fish