Date: 2001-10-02
Time: 8:28 p.m.

today the cat broke my 'd' key. it annoyed me enormously becuz in general I enjoy the cat's presence, way more than any other cat that's ever been in my life (cuz like let me just tell you: it wasn't always this way with this cat. it used to be cold and indifferent. I had to EARN its love and respect the hard way as outlined in the self-help classic 'the rules' but anyway) so but yeah the cat is great and good and all that but it has the horrible habit of plunking its fat and otherwise adorable ass right down onto my keyboard, and I use a laptop, meaning the heart of the little tiny machine that essentially powers my life and livelihood is separated from the cat's hairy ass by a very thin layer of manmade stuff.

and so like I was trying to dissuade the cat from doing this using my usual method, which is to pick her up and put her on the floor while shouting "DON'T SIT THERE YOU FUCKING CAT" at it, which if anything is amusing cuz those cats, hoo boy, english sure ain't their strong suit but anyway this time, this one special time the cat managed to extend her right front paws' claw a mite quicker than normal, and this tiny little implement (which I might add was designed by evolution to aid the cat in killing things and causing general destruction as per its whim, the cat that is) caught on the 'd' key of the keyboard. I hadn't noticed this when I initiated the whole get-the-fucking-cat-off-the-keyboard thing so it was in fact the force I exerted on the cat that ended up resulting in the 'd' getting torn off my keyboard but nonetheless I blame the cat and I feel that any judge in any court of law would be on my side with regard to this issue.

anyway yeah so I freaked out but the 'd' key is back and just fine as you may have surmised from the presence of "d"'s in the past few paragraphs. oh yes.

so yeah so I'm trying to write in my other journal but it's not that fun, every time I try to do this it ends up all depressed and depressing, and I'm not like that really, I mean this jobless workless cashless shit gets you down but not like prohibitively so, I can still cause the muscles of my mouth to jerk upwards in a rictus that for all intents and purposes is a smile, so whatever. yeah. I mean it could be worse, I'm not dead or criminally retarded and the 'd' key is back in action. for all that life is OK.

but this fucking journal thing, I dunno. I'm not feeling it. granted it's like the second entry. it just seems to bring out the worst in me. since I don't plan on stopping this 'eat shit' business (and the Fish Insiders(tm) will have of course already noted how I craftily did NOT link eatshit.diaryland.com from ANYWHERE EVER on my other site but have no qualms about doing the reverse, thus creating a secret Úlite repository of my shit for those who remain truly in THE KNOW) I'm worried that what will happen is I'll end up dumping depressing durges of drivel into the other 'official' journal and use this thing here for more upbeat, happy, silly, family-oriented, and general madcap zaniness, which may or may not be fundamentally problematic.

ah whatever. again the issue that maybe 2 people confirmedly read this stuff at all comes to mind. so whatever.

god I love girls. I thought I'd mention that cuz 'chickfactor' by belle and sebastian was just on the stereo and it's about girls. if there are any girls reading, I sure do love you. yup.

on that note, soon I will cook pasta. this is how that's going to go down, for those with lots of high-quality ingredients on hand but not a clue about what to do with them:

1) chop up a good sized onion. like into tons of little bits. peel it first before you do this. I don't care if you cry your eyes out, you really need to chop this motherfucker up good.

2) heat up a bunch of xtra-virgin olive oil in a frying pan. when I say 'a bunch' I mean it. don't measure, just hold the bottle upside down over the pan until you're pleased with what you see.

3) put the mutilated onion into the pan. also press about 3 or 4 biggish garlic cloves in there (note: this is a good dinner to cook for your romantic interest becuz the garlic will ENSURE that both you and your mate have equally foul breath) (also SPECIAL NOTE: if you don't have a garlic press, use this awesome trick to fake it: take the garlic, put a little salt on it, then SMASH IT WITH A FORK. the fork's tongs combined with the abrasiveness of the salt will SHRED the garlic. it's a beautiful little trick and I only wish I'd thought of it but there you go).

4) when the onions are just about translucent, chop up a few fresh tomatoes and throw 'em in. stir it all around so the tomatoes get oil and whatnot all over them.

5) after a minute or two add 1 can of whole peeled tomatoes. the best way to do this is to open the can and simply upend it over the pan. then grab each tomato in your hand and crush the everliving shit out of it right there. waaaaaay more fun and visceral than any other method I guarantee you.

6) cook this shit up (just like bacon) for a little while longer. then add a few blobs of commercially available pasta sauce. I recommend using something like 'summer basil' rather than 'herb garlic' cuz you've already got garlic in there and that evens it out.

7) turn the heat down on this and simmer after like 15min. you can add a little tiny teaspoon of tomato paste if the whole shebang looks too oily or wet, but this is optional.

8) now boil water and cook up a whole bunch of italian sweet sausages. if you got sausages fresh from the store and they're uncooked (which really is the only sane way to do this), what you do is this: boil them in like an inch of water in a pan for 15min, turning every 4 or 5min or so. don't puncture them with a fork, just sort of manhandle them with a wooden spoon or something. then drain the water off and brown the little bastards on each side, about 2min.

9) this is the fan-diddly-tastic part: put the browned sausages in the simmering pan of sauce. then, using your biggest knife and most savage demeanor, slice the sausages into tiny chunks. this way the juice and fat from the sausages doesn't escape and will make its way into the sauce, and subsequently your personal digestive system.

10) cook that shit for 5 min. by this time you already boiled enough water for pasta, right? right. you can use any old pasta but I recommend a mixture of stuffed tortellini (best with veal or beef, your milage may vary based on local availablity, etc) and a dash of penne or tortiglioni. I like to use tortiglioni mainly because the name is funny bunny.

11) when the pasta is ready and drained, don't rinse it. you want it hot. to serve all of this, this is what you do: you take your plate. you put several large dollops of bleu cheese onto the plate and spread them out evenly. then you put the pasta on top of that. then an ass-pile of sauce, with as much sausage as you can grab and fit on there. THEN you hit the entire thing with a heavy dusting of freshly grated parmesian. don't use that pregrated shit. do it fresh. you'll thank me. this method of preparation is BY FAR the most key part of the whole recepie. yeah.

if you do this ever, please take a photo of your food and send it to me. it would make my day. yeahyeah.

-fish

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