Date: 2001-09-18
Time: 4:41 p.m.

yeahyeah wow ok I am slightly back to normal now. obviously the operative word is 'slightly' but I think I'll just leave it at that for now. yeah.

I had an actual nightmare the other night. There was a lot of normal dream shit going on, nothing to write home about, but then at the very end I was in this room and a hideously mutilated person came in the door. He or she (it was impossible to tell and kind of a nonissue) had lost half of their face and was basically holding the shredded remains of their right arm in their left. The deal with this is that about two seconds (and you can't judge time very acurately in dreams I know but that's my guess) before this happened I knew, as in KNEW, that I was about to witness the most horrific thing in my life. Then the mutilated person came in and for that moment it WAS the most horrific thing I had ever seen, ever. I woke up immediately covered in sweat, cowering under the sheet, and that feeling persisted for a few minutes, until I could sleep again. The feeling that I'd just witnessed the most horrible thing in my life.

The next morning upon sober reflection I realized that it was this, the knowledge that I'd seen such horror, and not what I'd actually seen, this was actually the worst part, the part that made it a frigging nightmare.

Anyway yeah that's what happened the other night. In other unrelated news I still have no job and almost no money whatsoever. This is a real problem. It basically makes me want to throw shit, also, cuz I've sent out what, like 50 tapes and about as many portfolios on CD, and like countless email and fax résumés, and NO ONE HAS EVEN SAID HI. It boggles the mind. Right now I'd get down on my hands and knees and sing 'Hallelujah' if someone just wrote me back saying 'fuck you, you can't have a job' cuz it would mean there was a HUMAN somewhere. Yeah cuz I'm not counting emails that say shit like 'Thanks for submitting your résumé to! Happy searching!!!' No. That's not what I'm fucking talking about.

Ok what else sucks. Hrmph. Also I got railroaded into doing a whole pile of thankless yet technically complex pro bono shit for various people. Just this morning I made a fucking 3D model of a room for some artist and I get no thanks, cash, or love. Blagh. I hope she remembers me when grant proposals are due. And oh yeah I also repaired some guy's computer; it was a total hellride and took about 22 hours longer than the originally anticipated two. At least he offered me something: he's hooked up with a loftloard in bklyn and said I could have my pick of a bunch of new places. Which would be just dandy if I had a JOB that provided INCOME with which I could PAY RENT but nope I had to be like 'That's just fine really thanks for offering.' Any other time in my life I'd have been jumping for joy at such an offer. Blagh.

At least the cat is here. I love this cat. It's waaaaay too fat but I feed the living daylights out of it anyway.

And the sun is setting, and it's quite pretty. And I have pasta ingredients in the fridge. So shit isn't so bad really.